Monday, July 21, 2014

My divorce changed me. My life immediately after my divorce was an under water blur. For about three months, I didn't like the person I was. As expected after a divorce - I was short-tempered and depressed and hesitant and gray. At one point I think I thought that I was afraid of the person I was becoming. Life changes. Fuck.

But just as my divorce temporarily changed me into a monster I hated, as time went on I got better.

I realize now as I am typing this that unfortunately, a lot of my happiness stems from my divorce. Not necessarily because I'm happier not being married to my ex-husband, but because I have changed SO MUCH. And rather than allowing my divorce to define my happiness, I am just going to look at it a little differenty.

Some things that have happened since my divorce in the last 20 months:

Painted four rooms in my house. Next is my basement (it's going to take forever and I am going to say I hate it, but really I like it. I like knowing I am making something better for my liking) and the guest bedroom. NO MORE RED ROOMS!

Went to Texas!

Went to Alabama (three times)!

Bought a ticket to New York!

Have lived with FIVE people.

Celebrated living in my house for 5 years by getting it refinanced! Getting an estimate on new windows and sliding glass doors! Planning on new siding and gutters in the next year or so! Thinking about a new roof and deck! Yahoo! This house is starting to feel like MY home. And I'm fucking pumped about it.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

every little thing is gonna be alright.

This summer has brought a new breath into my life. I feel rejuvenated almost.

I get in these ruts where I use my failed marriage as a scapegoat for things I don't like in my life. If I'm having a bad day at work, I think to myself, "if I hadn't moved to Sullivan when I was married I would have never become a nurse." Which is actually, probably, incredibly true. I had no desire to become a nurse until I became one. "If I wasn't married to Devin I wouldn't have bought this house." Also probably true. I don't know if I would have stuck around Columbia. Who knows?

And that's my point - who knows? There is absolutely, positively no way to know what my life would have been if I would have not gotten married. All of my life choices have landed me here. And now it's time to live this life I have!

I have two trips planned (one more planned than the other) for this year. And then I unfortunately have to pare down on trips and vacations.

I have plans for my house! I am getting an estimate on new windows tomorrow afternoon (I know it will suck. I'm crossing my fingers it doesn't suck super bad). Towards the fall I am going to get an estimate on siding and shutters and gutters for the house. I want to LOVE my house. I want to be PROUD of my house. I want a cute little efficient home. Next spring I have plans for landscaping the front a little better. I may even actually buy a weed eater and use it.

And who knows? Maybe by the time next summer rolls around I will have totally different plans because my life could be totally different!

Just riding the waves for now though! Get outta the way, doubts and regrets! I got important owl shit to do!